


Two civilians, two reformed villains and eight(?) heroes play dnd.

by Just_Another_Weirdo



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: AND GAY, All the characters are arranged in order of appearance, Chaos, Everyone is friends, Friendship, Gen, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Harry doesn't get payed enough for this shit, Loki stole all the gender, Non-Binary Thor, Spiderman is tired and sleep deprived, This is completely self indulgent, chaotic friendships, dnd inaccuracies, everyone mocks everyone, some are just mentioned, sue me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:00:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29287179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Another_Weirdo/pseuds/Just_Another_Weirdo
Summary: Peter Parker decides he needs a new hyper fixation to the mix of the weird life he's got.Enter Dnd, and try and count how many times Peter says any variation of 'I regret this'.
Relationships: Harry Osborn & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Mary Jane Watson, Spiderman & everyone
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Two civilians, two reformed villains and eight(?) heroes play dnd.

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% self indulgent, plus throwing canon through a window.  
> No, this isn't written as a fic, it's more like an outline.  
> Will I expand on this? Maybe.  
> Enjoy!

It starts with Spiderman being bored as fuck, and decides he needs a new hyper fixation to the mix of the weird life he's got.

So he invites a bunch of friends to play Dnd in Harry’s cafe (which is by now the place where all super people go to hang out, unless they’re assholes. Then Harry kicks them out.)

The thing is he doesn’t expect anyone to actually come, except maybe three people, so he invites too many people.

He invites first his non super friends, which are Harry, MJ, Betty and Flash. Then, he invites other vigilantes, Matt Murdock and Felicia Hardy (Black Cat), Jessica Jones and Luke Cage, Dr Strange,and then some avengers (although Luke and Jessica are technically avengers, they’re not very active cause baby (yes they bring the baby into the sessions)), Clint and Natasha, and Thor and Loki, and even Steve and Bucky. He’s too intimidated by Wanda to invite her and Vision (comics Wanda is very scary).

The thing is.

Almost everyone just collectively see his message, smile and think ‘time to annoy the spider’.

(The exceptions are Betty (too busy, can’t go) Flash (not into that “nerdy” stuff) Felicia (She and MJ don’t really like each other, and where Peter goes, MJ is probably there as well) and Matt, who doesn’t see the message (he still goes, this is just a bad joke))

So. Peter is a very overwhelmed DM.

The first session is a disaster. Almost everyone decides to mock each other’s powers after Matt choses to be an annoying bard to plagiarize Spiderman’s behaviour towards danger.

Loki mocks Thor, choosing a brainless barbarian, Thor mocks Loki, choosing a back stabbing dies too much witch, Clint mocks Natasha, choosing an oh-so-mysterious assassin with eleven knives in his player at all times, Natasha mocks Clint, choosing an archer that constantly loses her arrows, Bucky mocks Steve, choosing a knight that only fights with a tiny useless shield, and Steve tries to mock Bucky, but he just can’t bring himself to do so.

Dr Strange annoys everyone by choosing a character that exploits all the loopholes. 

Luke decides to be a healer, because this dumbasses are going to get killed unless someone does something.

Jessica decides to be a necromancer, because this dumbasses are going to get killed and who doesn’t want zombie servants?

Mary Jane is vibing with so many superheroes being around her, but she also wants to be badass but not sexualized (looking at you marvel comics), so she choses a paladin.

Harry just wants to have fun, but he’s very intimidated by the amount of superheroes here. He ends up choosing a druid because plants are green, and green is his colour.

(‘It’s mine too!’ Loki complains.

‘Hush, weren’t you parodying Thor?’ A very tired Dm says

‘…fiiiiine.’)

So the first session is disaster.

In the first five minutes, everyone but Steve and Harry ignore the plot line Peter had planned out, and goes around interacting with Npcs. Or killing them.

(‘Can I buy a better sword?’ Asks MJ

‘You have no money’ Peter says

‘Steal it’ Loki says ‘anyways, I need to find some beer and smash the empty cups to the ground’

Thor rolls their eyes ‘well I need to stab someone’

‘You’re in a market. There’s no beer. Please don’t stab my Npcs’

‘I stab an old lady and laugh’ Thor says

‘I heal her’ Luke says. ‘Now she owns me money and we can buy MJ a sword’

‘No, I killed her’ Thor says

‘You haven’t even rolled ye–‘

‘I killed her’

‘Imma go and climb somewhere high and start being a little annoying shit. Maybe even sing’ Matt says. ‘This way we either get money, or rotten tomatoes’

‘Ok, fine, rol–‘

‘Wasn’t there a hooded figure wanting to speak to us?’ Steve asks

‘Yes! Finally! So–‘

‘I throw my shield at it.’ Bucky says.

‘I throw my hammer too, because he can’t be the only one to start fights’ Loki says

‘I, what, why–‘

‘While everyone is fighting, I go and buy the best magic items I can find, getting extra po–‘

‘Stop that. That’s cheating’ Clint says

‘No it’s not’ Dr Strange says ‘we’re in a market. I’m a wealthy noble. The backstory explains I’ve got loads of money’

‘We had to add a backstory?’ A very confused Harry asks.

‘Ok, fine.’ Clint says ‘I roll to stab Strange’

‘Wait, what–‘

‘You stab him. He falls to the ground bleeding out. Happy?’

‘Can I resurrect him and make him my zombie servant?’ Jessica asks

‘You’re only a level–‘

‘Did I get my sword? I’m assuming I got my sword. I join the fight against the hooded guy’ Mary Jane says.

‘Why are you doing this to–‘

‘Oh, no, my character stabs you in the back’ Thor says ‘They were actually working with the hooded figure all along’

‘What! NO!’

‘I heal you’ Luke says.

‘No, let her die, I want a zombie slave’ Jessica says

‘You have Dr Strange’

‘Fine. But next one is mine’

‘What happened to the hooded guy?’ Harry asks

‘He’s dead’ Natasha says ‘I shot an arrow at his eye socket and now I can’t get it out. My character is going to cry about it.’

‘Wait, why do you get to kill him?’ Clint says ‘I wanna kill him’

‘No, my character doesn’t condone killing. We’re gonna sit down and have a debate about freedom and liberty’ Bucky says

‘You attacked first’ Luke says

‘Hush. Details’

‘May I come back to life?’ Dr Strange asks

‘No. You’re a zombie now.’ Jessica says.

Peter just gives up.)

So he decides to divide the group in smaller ones, to manage better and not suffer so much.

MJ and Harry are regulars because they decide so. Harry literally works there and MJ’s work hours are flexile enough for her to attend to every session.

So he divides the groups.

The first one is Matt Murdock, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage and Dr Strange in one group.

He tried to make the second group smaller by getting someone to join the first, but they refused to go alone, and only accepted in pairs.

So the second group is Natasha, Clint, Steve, Bucky, Thor and Loki.

Except Loki works with Harry some shifts (that’s part of another fic I have planned. I'll talk about it some other day), so she sometimes joins the other group’s sessions as a guest.

Then Dr Strange gets cold feet and decides that Dnd is not his thing. (Is it because Peter targeted him for the damage since Dr Strange was so over powered? Yes. Is Dr Strange going to acknowledge it out loud? No. Did he get turned into a zombie servant again? Yes. Was he cheating using the time stone to re-rol dice? Maybe.)

So he know just comes in for tea and to watch the drama the others make.

Separated, apparently, they’re much easier to manage.

The first group’s campaign goes smoothly, with all the twists and turns and plot points being delivered perfectly, if it wasn’t for the characters getting drunk more often than not, by MJ’s proposal.

And the arguments over whether to heal someone or transform them into zombies are always hilarious.

Matt continues being a bard, although he mocks Peter less and focuses more in the plot.

He makes his bard deaf, since he heard of Clint making his assassin blind and he wants to match.

The second group is a bit more chaos.

Peter is able to convince Loki, Thor and Bucky to actually create characters, but Natasha and Clint decide to stick with what they got. Loki becomes a sorcerer and Thor a healer. Bucky decides that they need a thief.

Then they start arguing over what to do in battles, and people start almost dying, because Thor can't heal everyone so quickly, and then Loki and MJ get bored and switch sides, then Harry gets kidnapped because they lost a fight they weren’t supposed to lose because Clint and Natasha kept fighting, then Bucky ‘stole’ Loki back, then Steve almost quitted it when his character got killed, then they ransomed and exchange of Loki for Harry, but it went wrong and the big bad guys stole Steve’s body, then Thor decides to go apeshit and destroys a bunch of enemies, then Loki and MJ resuscitate Steve, because they got bored and decided to switch sides, then MJ killed an important npc she wasn’t supposed to kill, then everyone is reunited and they fight, then Harry decides to try go apeshit, but it fails and he almost gets killed, then Clint and MJ go and infiltrate the bad guy’s castle, then everyone storms the castle and gets captured for being idiots, then Clint and MJ pull everyone out, but leave Loki in the cell cause she was being mean, then Loki escapes and alerts the evil bid bad guy, but alerts them in the wrong way and buys the other more time, then Harry tries again to go apeshit and fails, and then Natasha starts shooting arrows at everything, killing the evil guys and Thor in the process, so now the new campaign is ‘let’s try get our healer back, because we’re gonna die without them’.

So yeah.

Chaos.

Peter is this close from quitting.

At the end of these massive campaigns, they decide that maybe they could try having less ambitious campaigns and make them shorter. Peter agrees.

So they do so.

After the third one, they get tired of the same groups, and start switching them.

At first it’s MJ and Harry who are at all sessions. Then Loki starts showing up to some of the other groups, mostly as a chaotic neutral bastard who wants to see chaos. But were Loki goes, Thor follows. Then Matt wants to see the chaos Clint is setting up on his campaigns, and starts going to those as well. Dr Strange starts making commentary of all the campaigns, and broadcasting it in a private podcast so the ones that lose sessions still now what’s going on.

And then Steve invites Sam over for a game.

And that’s the start of the expansion.

‘Wait we could invite people to play?’ Clint asks.

‘I… guess?’ Peter says. ‘Tell them to have their character ready though, so we can jump straight in’

‘Brother, we need to invite our friends from Asgard!’

‘If you invite those dumbasses, I’m inviting my friends from space.’

‘Bruce is going to love this. Also, Tony. You good with inviting Tony? Imma invite Tony’ Natasha says.

‘Wait until Danny hears about the Defenders having Dnd sessions without him’ Matt comments.

‘We could always invite Deadpool’ Jessica says.

‘Darling, I love you, but invite Deadpool and I’m asking for a divorce’ Luke says.

‘I’m starting to regret this.’

So they start inviting more people.

Sam is a wizard who just goes three steps ahead were everyone goes, because while everyone is arguing he’s just like ‘well, while these dumbasses decide, I’ll do this’

Then they invite Bruce, who immediately bonds with Harry over being awkward and green. He decides to become a thief, but he’s not particularly good at it.

Then Tony comes, and if it wasn’t because Rhodey was with him, Peter would’ve refused to Dm entirely (I still headcanon Peter not liking Iron Man a bit. No, I will not elaborate.). Luckily Matt was there to make Tony’s character’s life miserable for Peter.

Then Danny comes, tries to roll, and decides to just make commentary while sipping tea with Dr Strange.

Natasha and Clint invite Fury once for the joke. Fury is too good at Dnd. He’s not allowed to play anymore.

Then one day, Peter decides that that’s it. He’s not gonna Dm this week. He’s too tired. He just can’t. He’s had three major supervillains attack him, he’s lost another job, and he’s arrived late to three dinners with Aunt May. He deserves a break.

So everyone starts fighting over who takes over as Dm.

They end up making trials to see who’s gonna do it.

Surprisingly, even though Dr Strange is a terrible player, he’s a really good Dm.

Loki gets grumpy cause she wanted to be Dm, so she decides that she will host the podcast with Danny Rand this time.

‘But sister!’

‘Get your stabbing sorcerer from somewhere else, Thor’

‘…fine’

So Peter comes the next session, to find Dr Strange dming it and just stares blankly at them.

Dr Strange stares back and goes ‘so? Where’s your character design?’

Peter decides to be a lone wolf knight with a dark past and a strict no killing rule.

‘Is this really necessary?’ Matt asks

‘Yes.’

‘It was months ago’

‘I have no idea of what you’re talking about’

At the end, the superheroes decide to start a podcast using their superhero names (and making some up for MJ and Harry) and start posting their weird af campaigns on a channel Peter starts. It’s technically Peter’s, but Danny Rand does the recording (along with whoever is hosting), Tony does the editing (cause editing is the worst and Tony deserves to suffer) and Steve makes little illustrations of the campaigns.

Peter does still dms most of the campaigns, and the people attending vary a lot, but sometimes Dr Strange will dm, or maybe Loki, or even Bruce.

Once, Harry Dmed.

No one will ever let him do it again, because the emotional anguish was too much.

‘Is this the daddy issues or the trauma being inserted into the campaign?’ Asks Danny Rand while commenting.

‘Both’ Dr Strange says ‘this is even worse than Loki’s campaign. And Loki’s was angsty.’

‘HEY TAKE THAT BACK’

‘Loki, you’re in the middle of a fight, please focus’

‘I’ll stab you later’

**Author's Note:**

> First marvel fic and it's made completely out of spite. Wonderful. Leave a comment if you liked it!


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